Friendship

Aside from the fabulous people I have met online - you know who you are - I have had the great pleasure of maintaining friendships that started on the playground as kids or young love in Middle School. My husband finds this a huge phenomenon as he does not stay in contact with his childhood friends.

My very best friend with whom I will be connected until death has had to choose between our friendship, and the life he now has with a wife and kids. He has always known my stance: if I'm in the way then kick me to the curb. Well, ladies & gents, I've officially been kicked but without warning. I'd hoped for an e-mail telling me, but he knows I know that is just how close we are.

Friendships lost either to death, or otherwise; as a child or an adult hurt like hell. The pain I feel in the pit of my stomach is just aweful not to mention my need to dish really bad and know the phone will not ring again. Mourning the loss of this friendship is hurting me as bad as the loss of my child; I had no idea how much I'd become connected to him.

So how do we keep going? I've gone through break-ups, and I've had my heart splattered to hell and back; but, to lose my best friend has affected me deeply. Sure, I've more friends and getting better at making female friends as I enter my 40th year, but the loss is there as is the hole it left in my heart. Often I would say to him, "If you're stressed just look up at the moon, and know I'm looking back with good thoughts." The moon is all I've left, and especially in the most tumultuous time in my life thus far. I stand by all I've said, but it does not make the heart hurt less. Thank you for allowing me to expel my grief upon you, the unsuspecting public; the good news is you guys get to hit *delete* but I still have to figure all of this crap out! :)

Can someone please give me permission to stop being the "nice guy" all the time, and maybe, think of #1 finally? I am not naive enough to think my heart will hurt less; it would just be nice to do something for ME without thinking of any consequences. I did that recently, and I've got a new friend as a result; but, guys typically do not want friends do they? ;) The four days I spent with yet another high school friend were by far the best I've had since HS! We had fun beyond belief (at least I did), and it opened my eyes to who I can really be and for what I've settled. It was by far the most liberating experience of my life, and I want to do it again & again. Obviously, a job w/healthcare benefits will be the only way I can achieve such a goal; but, it is about time people stop taking me for granted and getting my skills for free! All good things come with a huge price tag as experience has taught me, so if you guys know of any job leads in the PR/Marketing/Customer Service field, please do not hesitate to let me know.

I still intend on being the National Voice of Congenital Heart Disease, but volunteer work is to be done as an extra-curricular activity from the real paying job (unless you are a NY Socialite - which I most certainly am NOT)!

Enough of the wallowing in self-pity; I am moving forward with life on my terms and hope my best friend finally gets permission to be friends with a member of the opposite sex. Unless that happens, our next contact will be with my attorney post-mortem. I do not want my demise to bring him back around...

As I tell you with just about each post, "Life is too short!" I've not been good at living in the moment, but I am taking baby steps in that direction. I blame the hell, fire, and brimstone raising we all got in the deep south! Tell your friends you love them, it's so important; and, I pray nobody loses a friend to marriage - it's the million dollar question - Can women & men be just friends? - I stick with "yes." Perhaps I am more naive then I thought!! ;-)

Cheers to all my friends both inside & outside my computer!