Life Lesson #6271 - In the moment

The last week has been full of fun, laughter, and kindred spirits. I have absolutely had the time of my life while trying to learn one of life's most difficult lessons of all - at least for me. Over the last two years, I've been working hard at living in the moment, not worrying about the future as we all know we are not promised one second beyond this one right now.

I will admit that I plan ahead, yes, I'm always concerned about being alone in the end; but, I think one can strike a balance between life right now, and the question of paying my bills/putting food on the table - especially if I am destined to be alone. Often I wonder if the, "Can't we just enjoy the moment without thinking about the future?" is a fabulous line which works great at the time. Is there anything wrong with wanting to know how a man/woman feels about you or their intentions for the future?

**Author's Note - I wrote this entry nearly 2 years ago; and, I have run out of ways to help her, Any suggestions?**

Who Controls You!

My closest friends know, I never miss a day's horoscope even if I read it before bed to see if the stars were on target. Today, I am a Taurus - FYI - mine says: Get yourself out of a power struggle. The stars give you diplomatic immunity.

There are people in my circle who would say I'm an idiot for reading these and even more stupid for giving them validity; especially where relationships are concerned. I've read the descriptions for each sign, and when "they" say a Taurus & Virgo are highly compatible whereas a Taurus & Gemini are highly volatile, I believe because I have witnessed it all for myself. My best friends - both male & female - have been Virgos, Scorpios, & either Capricorns or Saggitarius - I'd have to check. :) The most awful relationships have been with Geminis, Aries, and Leos - sad since I married both a Gemini & Aries. Guess I wish I knew then what I know now, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

These are also not hard & fast rules by any means. For some, yes, they will not begin their days until they know what the Astrologists have said; but, they fail to know for every Astrologist there are a million out there - kind of like cock roaches, and they all say different things.

So? To whom do we listen? Who controls are lives? The purpose of today's post actually has very little to do with Astrology or Horoscopes aside from what mine said to me today. It's message, though I've heard it a million times, somehow became liberating on this day un-like any other.

"Get Yourself out of a Power Struggle. The Stars give you Diplomatic Immunity."

My life is one HUGE power struggle right now; so much so that I cannot even talk to the person with whom I struggle the most because of fear. By nature, I am diplomatic, and while I will fight Heaven & Earth for anyone else; when it comes to me, it is much easier to coddle down and let life pass me by rather than living on my own terms. The term itself, "Diplomatic Immunity," also reminds me of Lethal Weapon when Mel Gibson's character is trying to bring down the South African Consulate, but I digress...

In this week of giving Thanks for those we love, and stuff our faces full of food; I hope to inspire you to take control of your own life as I now try to do going into my 40th year. Life on your terms and nobody else's so long as it's legal and does no harm to those around you. One day I'll get the courage to write how I got to where I am today, still being controlled by others; but, until then thanks for the support I receive in getting back on my own two feet.

When it is all said and done, we all leave this world alone just as we entered; perhaps better dressed, but rotting in the dirt or scattered to the winds. We only get one shot, and should live it as we see fit and not how others tell us.

Cheers!

Happy Thanksgiving,
~Nicole

Friendship

Aside from the fabulous people I have met online - you know who you are - I have had the great pleasure of maintaining friendships that started on the playground as kids or young love in Middle School. My husband finds this a huge phenomenon as he does not stay in contact with his childhood friends.

My very best friend with whom I will be connected until death has had to choose between our friendship, and the life he now has with a wife and kids. He has always known my stance: if I'm in the way then kick me to the curb. Well, ladies & gents, I've officially been kicked but without warning. I'd hoped for an e-mail telling me, but he knows I know that is just how close we are.

Friendships lost either to death, or otherwise; as a child or an adult hurt like hell. The pain I feel in the pit of my stomach is just aweful not to mention my need to dish really bad and know the phone will not ring again. Mourning the loss of this friendship is hurting me as bad as the loss of my child; I had no idea how much I'd become connected to him.

So how do we keep going? I've gone through break-ups, and I've had my heart splattered to hell and back; but, to lose my best friend has affected me deeply. Sure, I've more friends and getting better at making female friends as I enter my 40th year, but the loss is there as is the hole it left in my heart. Often I would say to him, "If you're stressed just look up at the moon, and know I'm looking back with good thoughts." The moon is all I've left, and especially in the most tumultuous time in my life thus far. I stand by all I've said, but it does not make the heart hurt less. Thank you for allowing me to expel my grief upon you, the unsuspecting public; the good news is you guys get to hit *delete* but I still have to figure all of this crap out! :)

Can someone please give me permission to stop being the "nice guy" all the time, and maybe, think of #1 finally? I am not naive enough to think my heart will hurt less; it would just be nice to do something for ME without thinking of any consequences. I did that recently, and I've got a new friend as a result; but, guys typically do not want friends do they? ;) The four days I spent with yet another high school friend were by far the best I've had since HS! We had fun beyond belief (at least I did), and it opened my eyes to who I can really be and for what I've settled. It was by far the most liberating experience of my life, and I want to do it again & again. Obviously, a job w/healthcare benefits will be the only way I can achieve such a goal; but, it is about time people stop taking me for granted and getting my skills for free! All good things come with a huge price tag as experience has taught me, so if you guys know of any job leads in the PR/Marketing/Customer Service field, please do not hesitate to let me know.

I still intend on being the National Voice of Congenital Heart Disease, but volunteer work is to be done as an extra-curricular activity from the real paying job (unless you are a NY Socialite - which I most certainly am NOT)!

Enough of the wallowing in self-pity; I am moving forward with life on my terms and hope my best friend finally gets permission to be friends with a member of the opposite sex. Unless that happens, our next contact will be with my attorney post-mortem. I do not want my demise to bring him back around...

As I tell you with just about each post, "Life is too short!" I've not been good at living in the moment, but I am taking baby steps in that direction. I blame the hell, fire, and brimstone raising we all got in the deep south! Tell your friends you love them, it's so important; and, I pray nobody loses a friend to marriage - it's the million dollar question - Can women & men be just friends? - I stick with "yes." Perhaps I am more naive then I thought!! ;-)

Cheers to all my friends both inside & outside my computer!

Flu - H1N1 Priority Status

Today I write you all from the great state of Hawaii - the Big Island - and yes, you must fly between each (a woman on our plane said, "I'm driving over there next week!" People are so freaking stupid I cannot believe it; however, I am not here to rub your noses in my vacation - feel free to be jealous - but my grief lies with a much larger issue.

A few minutes ago, we were listening to the news when a report about free H1N1 vaccines began, stating that all health care workers were offered free H1N1 vaccines today as *they* are top priority. O.k. I get it as a semi-frequent visitor to hospitals and health care facilities, I want the staff to be as healthy as possible. However, the report went on to say: "Pregnant women, children, and the elderly are the only ones aside from the health care providers on the critical, must-have list."

Hello??? If there is anyone from the CDC listening or a person with access to them, please educate whomever is in charge of doling out vaccines that we have more people in this population who should be at the top of said list. Health-wise I have been quite lucky over the years, and my doctor says as a Congenital Heart Patient things could be far worse; so, I'd gladly donate my vaccine. With that said, we have a population of 1,000,000 adult congenital heart patients and 800,000 children, so why are they not on the list? Is it just me or has someone really dropped the ball on this one? According to my friend, also a CHD patient, we have to petition the CDC to get on the list and pray they deem us worthy of a vaccination based on need.

The media has bombarded us with misinformation as per usual, so I do not blame them in the least; it is their job to report whatever is keyed on the TelePrompter. It is not even the Heart Patients' for which I fight, but all people with potentially life-threatening situations when presented with the results of getting any flu, let alone H1N1.

Anyone who has ever had the flu (I've actually heard of people who have not) knows it is terrible, aches like hell, and makes you wish death come swiftly and quietly. However, we spend our time in bed be it 7 days to 2 weeks, and slowly but surely return to a place where we are glad to not have succumb to that death wish. Some are even smart enough to get out of bed and shower, drink hot tea with honey & whiskey to find it makes them feel much better though they remain sick. Just a side-bar: I drink the tea, but can barely lift my head from the pillow so forget showering or movement of any kind. :) It is the complications that come from the flu, especially this pig (swine) variety that should give the CDC pause to increase that "need only" list under lock and key.

Pneumonia is at the top of that list, and we heart patients see huge red flags with that first rattle in our chests. Even if one is not in congestive heart failure (fluid build up around the heart & lungs) at the time, it can happen fast and with very little warning. Personally, I have had pneumonia a couple of times already this year; fortunately, I was able to avoid hospitalization. The antibiotics, though, are getting stronger & stronger to the point where it's an eventuality and that scares the hell out me! So, why should I be scared if I am not even sick? My husband started with the flu at 2:30 a.m. Hawaii time today, and I as his care-giver (nobody else is going near him) am next in line. I'm at least a 15 to 20 hour travel distance from my physician; and, he brought his Tami flu not mine even though they were sitting together.

My biggest hope is the "list" for H1N1 vaccines I heard about today is state-based, so I can get my Congressman involved in getting me a shot - ouch!! As for this blog, knowledge is power; and, if you have a family member with health issues that could be compromised then get a flu shot NOW for them and yourself. When you wash your hands, sing "Happy Birthday" to yourself (in your head), think of it as a celebration of your life in that moment - whatever it takes. ;-) Most importantly, if you need to be on some list at the CDC, please start lobbying for your spot.

Good Health to all and let's hope we survive this scare with no more loss of life...

Respectfully,
~Nicole

Navigating the World of Cliches

It has been said, “No man is worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry.” Of course, “they” say many things, you know, “the collective them,” as I refer to those who have nothing better than to sit around and make these statements, most likely because "they" don't have a freaking clue! These are the same "people," who say my least favorite, "It is what it is;" or "Well, what are you gonna do?" How about fix the problem, offer a suggestion, or get the hell out of my way?

However, what happens on the rare occasion when you actually do stumble upon a person who has only brought laughter, fun, romanticism, and the tears are merely post, well, you know. ☺ Especially, when neither one, the other or both, whom sparked have room in their lives for emotional or romantic entanglements? Rhetorically speaking, though I am sure situations like these arise, but if one cliche becomes real; does that give credence to the others? I swear, the next person who throws his/her hands in the air and says, "It is what it is," and walks away will not rank any higher in my book; so the answer in my opinion is a resounding, "No!" How then can one simple thing such as this finding a good man happen? The friend relating her story to me has been brow-beaten to death by me with so many questions she's about to cave. My answer has been, "Give it time, sister, he'll come around!"

The problem with this scenario is your friends want you to be happy, and good friends tell you, "Do whatever makes YOU happy." Sadly, my friend wants the man whom she has always wanted, but never knew was there. What am I supposed do to for her now? One, she is a married woman so for anything to progress, she would have to become unmarried; however, she's been on that trip for ages. There are no guarantees in life even if she divorces, aloneness is the best she can assume. If she wanted to stay with a man who makes her miserable, she would have chosen another many years ago for much better reasons. No matter which direction she goes from this point forward she is screwed, and most likely to end up alone because "he" is just too good a catch to hold any extended interest in her.

So, my answer to "the ones who are worth it will never make you cry," is BULL SHIT!! He may not want or mean to make you cry, but it is bound to happen no matter what unless you are in some sick Disney, Happy Ever After movie - which we all know never happens.

Look at me, heart disease and all, I've people all the time wishing they were in my shoes because all they see is the facade - the pictures you see in my last post, and the husband who works night & day to provide handsomely for "us." Thus, I feel it my responsibility to remind you all - cliches are named such for a reason. Do not base your romantic life on the lack of tears, but the spark, chemistry the two of you feel for each other; and, an enjoyment of common interests helps tremendously too. If you enjoy each other's company rather than sitting in separate areas of the house - you are off to a great start!

What do I know, though? I'm no Dr. Ruth! It is what it is, and what are you gonna do about it?

Home Reno Hell

Kathryn, I promised you pictures and never let it be said that I break my promises! ;-) Since the last article, my little project has advanced at a fairly decent pace; but, due to measures beyond my control (lack of access to the funds) as well as special orders - the master bath is complete, but Nicole still sleeps in her daughter's bed. I feel like Charlie Brown most days, "ARGHHHHHH!"

At least I am no longer required to shower in "the crypt," as I've so affectionately deemed the guest bath; and, I have my first grown up closet completely designed by yours truly. The goal now is to finish clearing out the past (old clothes) and learn to keep only what I need today. Boxes and bags of old clothing have gone out the door to charity - my own personal "What Not to Wear," but clutter reproduces faster than termites or cockroaches. The mounds are never-ending, but as Gloria Gaynor sings, "I Will Survive!" Due to the fact I've a much more interesting post following, without further ado here are the pictures of what has been finished; I am told the bedroom will be done in November, but the same thing was said over 5 years ago - not holding my breath.

As you will notice, our house sits atop a hill surrounded by mountains; and, it was quite literally sliding off the hill due to recent changes in our water table after years in severe drought. Sadly, the interior budget had to go to the foundation first then painting the exterior if we were to salvage the siding. Thankfully, softball size hail purchased a new roof of which I have yet to snap photos just happy it is done. My apologies for the photo quality, but I am still learning just like this blog.

Life is the Opposite of Fabulous!

A dear friend of mine told me to get off my ass and start with the truth rather than sugar coating with this BS of "It's a Fabulous Life," after I'd given him my login creds to be a "Guest Blogger" due to writer's block. Trust me, I'm so secretive about my passwords, constantly changing them (note to self), and constantly forgetting them as old age is rapidly setting in that it took a major trust effort on my part, but totally worth it. Mickey, I owe you!

Just an FYI - he's a hell of a lot funnier than me, so I still want him on the show one day; I'm sure readership will triple that day to at least 3! ;-)

So where was I? Oh yea, me, obviously! (JK) I was asked to provide some Congenital Heart info today which gave me the chance to weed out the followers on Twitter (real whack jobs), I'd no idea were watching. I'll spare you the endearing romantic quotes on which I stumbled, but one struck a nerve that truly has me pissed to no end:

"To Dream of the Person you Would like to be is to waste the Person you are." -Anonymous

True for every human on this earth, but having just survived another battle with the grim reaper and stuck in a situation holding me back from being the person I want to be, I'm back to just sitting here until death takes me? Hell no!

I'm told women are the empowered sex today; however, I've not found my power, and each time I take a step towards being the woman I know I am and honor the life I've been given I get kicked down each time. So what's a gal to do?

Well, I'll tell you, it's the reason I titled my blog as such; we all fall down every single day - I've fallen so far that I never thought I'd get back up. So, whether you are diseased, caring for diseased family, or just down right miserable about the state of our economy remember today is all you are promised & pick your ass up and try again. If you are kicked while down as I've often experienced use it to fuel your ambition rather than falling comatose to the one who thinks they hold all the power - they do not. All of these "don'ts, I've already done; thus, my chance to help someone not repeat my mistakes, rather learn from them.

Enjoy your weekend, and know we are in it together - I say that all the time, though I've faced the worse years of my life alone. :-( Probably the biggest reason I turned to the web, who can afford shrinks in this day & age? ;)

Healthcare is a HUGE obstacle for me, but we'll debate that another time. No energy today...just enjoy each day, and whatever it brings. If you get bruised, physically or psychologically find a way to do something for YOU, and know it is their problem!

Thanks for sticking around; I'm still trying to make this blog my own. Comments, feedback, and suggestions always welcome as long as they are intended positively.

~Nicole